May 11, 2009

Random thoughts and run-on sentences...

I feel heavy today. The clouds gathering outside, and the grey cast agrees with my attitude. I am not ungrateful, I'm sad. It goes away, gets a bit dull, then comes back with full on sting and tears. They embarrass me now. I am so used to believing that I must be brave. That I must not show the imprint forever carved into my heart and thoughts and dreams. Dreams of chaos and crowds, misunderstanding and confusion.
I think I've put the paintbrush down because I'm depressed. K complains that I don't keep the house up as well, but I cook so much more. I just hate dishes because of the boarding school...
L.o. seems to know when I'm weak, and God help me I should not complain about her but she seems to know when I'm down and she's out for what she wants. She stepped on a nail through her flip-flop Saturday. This is why K stayed at home with L.O. and I went to church yesterday solo. It hurt to see my cousin and her husband and her baby, and I'm standing there with my parents and my nephew, feeling very incomplete. I cried in the foyer of the church in front of my family. That side is not a cuddle and comfort type. I feel the need to appear super strong and perfectly fine which makes no sense.
My coffee/blogging break is over and I must pay some attention to my baby sparrow (that post is coming soon) and get to work on this house to avoid certain guilt otherwise.
Good days, please find me once more. Being sad is so tiring and I have life left to live. God, I'm heavy hearted and weary, where is my rest? Please forgive me when I fail and help me feel you when I'm feeling empty. Give peace to those who need it today and bless my family and all my blog friends..In Jesus name...

4 comments:

Monique said...

I wish I could take some of your pain away because it is tiring. I think of these last 9 months as the most exhausting of my life. It`s damn hard work, grief. Thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

Hi. Whenever I read this site, http://lynnettekraft.blogspot.com/, I think of you. Check it out, she has great perspective on all you have gone through. Hope you feel better soon.

angie said...

(((hugs))) grieving is such tiring business. add an occasional dust or vacuum and we are talking full-bodied exhaustion. sending you some strength and love today, lindsay.

Natalie said...

Grief is absolutely exhausting! I do not believe that time heals all wounds (my daughter died 12 years ago and I am still wounded, and believe I always will be). But I can tell you that, with time, grief does become less exhausting and less tiring. Please be kind and patient with yourself Lindsay.
You deserve that.

Love you!