May 16, 2009

Thunder in La La Land

Breathe. Calm down. Horrible decision maker, why all this? I am ridiculous, I am too trusting. I am an alien. I feel...too much, or I'm numb, no middle ground. "when it rains, it pours", but I need it only to drizzle a little for a while. I need rest. The soul kind. I thought those who mourn are 'blessed', I thought they would be comforted. I am tired and rest is not coming, just a party and skates and children everywhere, and can I stand it for two hours? I'll take L.o. to her father's house after all it's his weekend. Relief? I am cursed.
I am torn. I am 'left' as in left over, not left side, though you may look at me and see different, I am a mixture. I am a cactus. I am a monument, to ridiculousity.
I am sad. I am alone (see left). I've been dis-respected and run-over.
It is grey, and I am grey, an even darker grey than my usual, but I covered myself in color, risked prosecution and felt the sting, it takes some getting used to.
Am I being refined or forsaken? I can't feel the difference. This is not me. But it kinda is.
Erratic and jumbled and most importantly misunderstood. What am I to learn?
K left (yes, left). this is crazy.
Save the pity, this is not a cry for help, just a cry in itself.


Jennifer Ross said...

What? Like in left you? I would like to talk to you sometime. You can e-mail me your # at if you want to. I'll call you on my cell phone. Sometimes blogging isn't enough. Praying...

Linda said...

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I can't understand it because I haven't gone through it, but remember, there is ONE who knows all our troubles. He is there to lean on, and trust.

May He bless you today, and this weekend. I hope you have somebody to call, or see.

mel said...

You are more than those things Lindsay. You are a child of the King....a mother to TWO beautiful girls......a friend....a soul.

You are a writer...a painter....and a person who matters. You are a blessing...even when you think or feel differently! You have a heart...a big one that lets you feel love and will feel love again.

You are strong....and beautiful...with the colors you've covered yourself in. Never lose that color.

You are in my thoughts and prayers....Much love, Mel xx

angie said...

Dearest Lindsay...You are a beautiful soul, writer, artist, mother. None of this is just. Sending you a sense of calm, grounding, and healing, if even for a minute. Also, know, you can always write (uberangie (at) gmail (dot) com) if you want an ear(eye), or a shoulder. Much love.

Monique said...

Oh, Lindsay. Sending you much, much, love and big hugs. How can we help? xoxo

Anonymous said...

Lindsay, I wish I could offer you a tangible comfort, I am so sorry for your trials. It just seems like too much in too little time... Can I help? I can and will pray for you.


Larns said...

Hey Sweety, i read this post yesterday and was lost for words...then last night i was dreaming about you...i hope you're ok? pls let me know if there's something i can do?
Love Larns

Lea said...

Lindsay - I am just catching up on blogs from the long weekend and came across this.... heart-wrenching.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way and that life is so confusing and unfair.

Thinking of you and your beautiful family.