Jul 7, 2009

sadness came by to visit...

I was so glad that my friend got through her delivery so well and everything is perfect.
I had no idea the affect it would have on me. I miss my daughter to the point it's painful. I am so sad for all the things she never had, never had the chance to experience.
I've been throwing up and crying alot. I am a mess and feel a gut-wrenching longing for my baby girl.
She's gone, and I will always burn inside for that little girl.
Today, I can feel my broken heart and it's a terribly hopeless feeling.
I've held it together so well, but now it's all oozing to the surface.
Thank God I'm at home....
I hate for people to see me this way. It feels new again, like she died last week. I need food (but don't want any) I need sleep, but I dread waking up.

7 comments:

Tina said...

Oh Lindsay I am so sorry you are feeling all these emotions again. It is important to let it all out and not keep these feelings bottled up inside. I recently read somewhere that crying (tears) actually releases certain chemicals from our bodies, so it is important to let it go. Thinking of you.
xx,
Tina

Catherine W said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs to you sweet girl.

You were so, so brave to go to the hospital. Such a good friend to even think about going back there, let alone to actually do it. I'm sorry it was so difficult and it bought back sad memories for you. I know that you will always long for your precious Zoe-Beth. It is so terribly sad that she isn't with you.

I can't sleep which is why I'm on in the internet at 05.30 in the morning. I'm missing my baby girl too.

You did so well to hold it together in the hospital, I hope your friend appreciates that you have walked through fire to be with her. Glad you are back at home now and try to eat and sleep. Easier said than done, I know. xxx

margaret said...

Sometimes we need a friend to be sad with. If I was there with you, I would hang out with you in my pyjamas, bring you boxes of tissues while you cried, cried with you, for you, and for me, and made you lots of margaritas with fresh fruit. That way you could drink down your nutrition. Then I'd tuck you into bed when you passed out so that you could have a good sleep. I love you Lindsay, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Sending you loving hugs and warm thoughts

angie said...

You are incredibly brave and loyal. It is amazing you held it together. Now, mourning, like the beginning times, seems about right...I'm so sorry. Wish I were there to help you through this part. Wish your friend could understand how difficult this was for you.

Lindsay said...

You guys are so amazing.
And yes, she's thanked me, her family has thanked me, her husband told me he couldn't have done it all alone.
Now everyone keeps telling me that I'll get baby fever and me and K will get a BFP. Who knows, but it's not so much another baby I miss. I miss the one I had. I'm much better today.
Again, you guys are the best.

Penny said...

Glad you're feeling better. I just now saw this post and the previous one. I can imagine how hard that was for you! Your friend is very blessed to have you. =)
One baby can never replace another (referring to your comment), you will always love Zoe for Zoe. However, I do hope that when you and K get married--- you experience motherhood again. I really do.

Jennifer Ross said...

It's hard when that "fresh" feeling comes back, like it just happened yesterday. I always say it's best to take it one minute at a time. The emotions go up and down so much, it's hard to get through the day. When I am having a hard time, it usually takes me about one week to get back to "normal." I pray that you feel the sting go away in the next few days. I'm sorry that you are facing all of this hurt again. We love our children so much, I don't think our hearts will ever heal. We are missing the beggest part of our hearts.... our children.

Love,
Jenny