Jul 13, 2009

Today..


..is like any other day, almost. I awoke to a phone call, my ex-husband was late taking L.O. to my mom's for vacation bible school. I call him, he hits the busy button. I'm too annoyed to go back to sleep. I get up and look at my phone. No missed calls, no texts. I smell coffee. How nice of K to make coffee for me before leaving for the day. I grab a cup and sit down. I'm alone, like usual. I light the candle beside Zoe's picture.
My friend had her baby. I was there. She's more worried about being thin again, and her amazing (milk-filled/not breast feeding) breasts that are about to fall out of her too tight shirts that she hasn't called me and I suppose that's ok. I learned that we have VERY different ways of mothering and that's ok too.
I have no 'best friend' in this city. My 'best friend' lives in South Louisiana and it's hard for me to get to her. She calls me often and I love her for that. She is on my level. She tells it straight, and is not a competitive, one better, kind of girl. Like I said, we don't see each other much.
I like the anonymity of being alone. No one knows quite what you're up to and I like that. I don't like that when I've been alone often, for a long time, I begin to feel invisible and just sit and do nothing.
Well, not exactly nothing. I do the few chores I require of myself, and sit.
Then I'll take a bath and get dressed and cute, and just sit. I wait, for a knock on the door, for a phone call. I'll go through my contacts on my phone and decide I don't want to talk to anyone. I'll try to imagine what K is doing at work, what L.O. is up to. I read blog posts and click away until I'm lost somewhere in cyberspace, alarmed when some random call comes through.
My life is boring right now. We pay our bills, but when there's not a movie, there's very little left. I fantasize of traveling, of distant beaches and little waterfront cafes. The 'movie industry' took that away for this year. We had to pay our dues to a union so that if they just happen to decide to do what they say (for once) K will be all ready for them. It's very crooked, and hard to believe until you've experienced it. Most companies couldn't get away with it but I suppose I'd better stop on this particular topic.
I may take a bubble bath and a nap, but don't be jealous. I've had very few hours of human contact lately and a pile of laundry that would intimidate anyone...

5 comments:

Lynda said...

your life sounds so much like mine right now....as if existing is all I'm doing. Life seems so... redundant, doesn't it?

Jennifer Ross said...

I feel bad that you feel so blah. Hang in there..... just know that I'm thinking about you, know matter how far away you are.

Love,
Jenny

margaret said...

I've spent alot of blah days too lately Lindsay. I think it's a combination of the heat, boredom, brokedom, and just feeling lonely. It's too bad we couldn't all get together and have an afternoon get together over cold drinks. My problem is that I don't particularly want to spend time with people who can't relate to me and how I'm feeling. If I had my way, I would have a little club of awesome women like we do here, and I would spend my time with them. Sending you hugs

Lea said...

Hey Linds,

Thinking of you and wishing I was closer for real hugs.

Strength to you, my friend.

xx

Monique said...

Thinking of you & sending hugs. xo