today...

I made a place to reflect on my girl..



I made her a cake.

Sadly, or in Ivy's case gladly, we ate it in the guest of honor's absence.


Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl. I hope to see you in my dreams...

This video was taken on my birthday I believe. I'll warn you, there are N.I.C.U. alarms and lots of tubes and tape. I could only whisper, and it was a bit awkward to have so many people in the room staring at you while you hold your baby for one of the few times you'll ever have a chance. At one point my mom (who is taking the video) tells me to smile and I assume she's taking a picture so I smile big and stupid for the video. Anyway, these few bits of video that I own make her feel more real to me. Perhaps they will do the same for you as well. Here is my Zoe. I miss her so much.

Happy Birthday Zoe

Happy Birthday my sweet girl. In a little while, I'm going to buy more votive candles and buy some flowers for your birthday. I'm sorry that I can't go to your grave today. Mommy always feels guilty about placing you so far away from her.
I hope they throw you a huge party in Heaven. I hope you look down on your big sister and I today and know how much we miss and love you.
I'll try to upload my only video of you to share you with my friends here.
I must go and wake your big sister up now. It's important that she get to school. Don't worry though, Mommy's not done remembering your birthday. We'll have some special time when no one else is home.
I miss you and love you more than words could ever express.
Happy Birthday my little baby Zoe-Beth. I can't believe that you would be two today...

Guilt

Kenny says that I'm a glass-half-empty girl. That makes me sad. I just understand now, more than ever that we are not promised that things will be just fine.
Today is the day, two years ago, where I feel that I could have stopped what happened. I let myself get upset and anxious. I was told that I looked pale and out of it, and took that as a manipulation, not a warning. The next morning, I was roused from my sleep from a dull yet increasing pain. Did I go to the emergency room right then, a measure that had the ability to save my daughter's mind and in turn her body? No, I didn't. When I went it was too late, almost for us both. She didn't die then, but that's when she stopped becoming a person to that doctor.
She was always a person to me.

I haven't abandoned trying to have a positive attitude. I'm only sad that it's almost my daughter's second birthday and her birth wasn't met with much joy. There will be no party and cake for her tomorrow, only me and this empty house.

Trying Something New

It's time to change the channel. I don't like the way my blog 'feels' anymore. This is the last time I will be with child, and I've come to see that this, in and of itself is worth celebrating, regardless of the outcome. (yes, I'm very liberal with my commas)
So, I've decided to show you (and myself) a different side of me. I'm choosing the 'fake it till you make it approach', plus, my life is far from all bad, and I'll be forced to feel better if I quit focusing on it so.
I will be nine weeks on Wednesday. I have my first appointment with my new ob on Oct 1. Not looking forward to the internal exam, I mean, I don't know this guy!? I've been craving tuna salad on crackers covered in paprika. It tastes horrible if it makes it's way back up and out, but that doesn't deter me for long. I've been hoarding away food because if I don't eat things I truly like, I won't eat at all. I feel bad hiding yummy food around but I tell myself it's for the baby. I've also wanted meat and potatoes all the time, like for breakfast. In fact, I'm cooking a steak on the stove now, just for me, cause Ivy's (LO) at the circus and Kenny is helping his parents with some yard work. I will smother it in A1 and no one is around to tell me how I'm ruining it with the sauce. Yumm...
I've been compiling a list of things (mostly in my head till now) that make me smile. I try to focus on these things when I'm feeling anxious or vulnerable. Every Wednesday, I'm going to update the list with more recent blessings to keep myself positive. I believe that ten is a good number. Per week that is..

What makes me smile this week:
1)My smart and incredibly beautiful eldest daughter.
2) The fact that I'm starting to finally listen to what the death of my youngest precious baby has to teach me.
3) The decision to make an effort to be joyful and make good memories for this pregnancy.
4)Loving a man that loves me too and who is trying now to support me the way that I need to be supported.
5)The hummingbirds that come to my feeder on the porch.
6) Those quiet moments in the morning when Kenny is at work and Ivy is at school when the day is not demanding anything from me quite yet.
7)Making tiny trinkets and characters
8) Brownie Sundae's
9) My favorite blog-friends who are found in my thoughts everyday and I know I am in their thoughts as well.
10) My steak coming out looking great and tasting amazing.





This is THE first steak I've ever tried cooking. I cooked and ate most of it while writing this post! I'm sure I'll be cooking steak a little more often now.

What's keeping a smile on your face these days? I promise it will feel good to type a few of them out :)

It's coming...

It's possible that I've been having such a hard time lately, because Zoe's would be second birthday is Tuesday. She lived for nineteen days. From September 29 to October 17 I am suspended in time. My birthday is squashed right in there as well. I turned 26 when Zoe was still here, on October 12. They let me hold her for my birthday. She died five days later. My birthday will never feel the same. Honestly, I'm only looking forward to the possibility of cake.
There are no plans for Zoe's birthday. My dad usually drives my mom and Ivy and I to the cemetery. It's a family cemetery and it's further south and I don't know exactly how to find it myself. I hope she doesn't think we forgot her or that I don't care. I will go some time between her birthday and her death day I'm sure. Most of my family will not remember or acknowledge her. I'm a pretty crummy guardian of my daughter's legacy myself. I know that it sounds incredibly morbid, but I try not to let the image of another little heart shaped headstone with another of my baby's names next to hers. It's difficult.
I feel like I have taken three giant steps back.

n/a

No one left anyone yesterday. In fact and oddly enough, we haven't spoken about it. He's been back at work on a big production. They have part of an interstate shut down and the sets are splattered all over town, so I'm guessing his job is very stressful right now.
I'm trying to be proactive. I'm researching prenatal yoga centers around here and I'm going out and getting some high fragrance soy candles and some chocolate today. Do you think it's selfish that I stash chocolate in my sock drawer so that no one sees it and I don't have to share it?






You guys are kind and amazing.

alone then

Yesterday, when I wrote that last post, I was angry, hurt and felt all alone. This morning I feel very similar. Add nausea and anxiety and you got it.
I have felt VERY unsupported, and really, honestly I am. Kenny and I are having issues. That's rather strange as now he's started a new movie and I don't see him much. He seems angry and distant and needs to blame someone. He came home early and showered yesterday and then left, to play pool. I was asleep after he got home. I forced myself to ignore the searing anxiety in my diaphragm and willed myself to sleep. I'm sad that he chooses to lash out on the one carrying his child and taking care of a seven year old, three dogs, cats and a home and him as best that I can.
Yesterday I thought that I had developed a 'fool-proof' way of encouraging him to be supportive. I tried it this morning. He slammed the door on his way out. My stomach has jumped up to join my heart in my chest.
I am looking at another lonely day, not feeling supported yet needed and expected.
I am running out of steam. I am trying to take care of me, but at the moment that feels impossible. I want to disappear.
I failed Zoe, by letting the stress overcome me. This feels like a recurring nightmare. If you know me (even if you don't) and you think perhaps I'm driving him away...you can't drive someone who is already running, away from you.

Before Kenny slammed the door and left, he told me he was packing his things when he gets home. I only asked him to help support me, to make time to talk to me about things. I told him I was lonely and he told me he was leaving.

Time to stand (so to speak)

If I wait for a cheery happy post, you may not hear from me for a while. I am lonely and very tired. I keep reminding myself to breathe deep, to stop breathing shallow. I remind myself that I'm not alone, but even when I'm not, I am.
I've long understood that you cannot convince anyone of anything if they aren't ready to hear it. I have many things that float around in my brain, that aren't given a voice, because I try to play nice. I have noticed however, that many people want what they want, feel entitled to said want, and single-mindedly go after it without much regard for say, other human beings.
I don't know how to slow down and take care of me. No one else knows how to slow down and take care of me either. I feel selfish asking for that, but I'm finally being honest with myself in saying that I can't do this without support. Every other incident in most of my life has been met with a 'I can take care of myself' attitude. I don't want to do this by myself.
I am the one willing to do it, however. If I have to take care of me, and be my own support system, I will. If only for the hope of this baby inside me. If only for a prayer of a chance that this baby will come home to live. I will eat well and healthy. I will not wear myself ragged. I will not struggle to help anyone else understand my need to take care of me right now.

For the first time in my life, I'm consciously deciding to be unapologetically (I know that's not a word but it should be) good to myself. I hope people that I know accept that. I don't see anyone else in line to do it. I won't complain (much) and I am going to stand up and count my blessings and love my body and protect my feelings and my sanity from myself and everyone else.

OB Oh Sh*t!

I got the call yesterday. The call from the o.b. that dumped me. He barely let me speak, and then we were disconnected and when I called back, he had already left for a delivery.
Basically, he seems to almost be sure that I will rupture again. He kept quoting the 33% risk as if it's not in my mind already. I did a bit of online research and EVERYTHING I read said the risk was more like 10-17%. He said that I had a risk of getting to the hospital closest me and he warned that if I had an emergency after 5pm that I would likely have to wait for an o.b. to arrive and because in my case time is of the essence, I could lay there and die waiting for a doctor. He said I should go to a trauma hospital that is about thirty minutes or more from where I live.
I understand telling me to be careful, and instructing me to go to the place with the best care for me is nice and all, but he continually reminded me how rare my situation was and how most babies don't die from a placental rupture. I KNOW THAT!
He went on and on about when I rupture this time. When? How is he so sure?
I asked him why he said it was ok to try again then in the first place. He told me that he doesn't decide who should or should not have babies. Does that seem like a very cliche' answer to you?
I found a doctor a city over. I looked at his patient ratings on-line. I found this:
I chose Dr.XXXX after I had a hard time being able to see my original doctor. What a bad decision. I was always somewhat uncomfortable with his behavior and questions. I was a young, single parent and I think he had little respect for me. I was full term when I was admitted to the hospital for high blood. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days and Dr.XXXX felt I was okay for me to be released. All the nurses couldn't understand why he was taking such a risk. Well, the next day Friday, April X, I was rushed to the hospital and an emergency C-section was performed. That day XXXX was born and became an angel in heaven. I would suggest that everyone do a check on your doctor's, make sure they are able to handle emergency C-sections, make sure the hospital is equipped to handle distressed situations.


Everything about this is a risk now. IF I rupture, I can't get across the river in less than forty-five minutes and that's if there's no traffic. If I go to the closest hospital, there's the chance there will be no one there to help. If I go to the trauma hospital, we'll have to pray that I get there in time, and they take me seriously, as people have died in their emergency waiting room. I didn't realize how HORRIBLE health care is in this city until now. Until my child's life depends again on a rule or a policy or availability of medical professionals. Why wouldn't EVERY hospital with an emergency department not keep an anesthesiologist and a ob on call at all times?!
I had a fitiful sleep last night. Reliving the trauma that was Zoe's birth, fear for the same outcome.I lay in bed awake after, praying for daylight to break the dread in my mind. I keep repeating in my mind, I can't rupture. I won't rupture. This baby will be fine if I make it to my scheduled cesarean. I can't rupture. I won't rupture.
I am scared. I am anxious. I'm tired of trudging through everyday. I've begun to needle felt again. I've started to get projects finished for my last three contest winners. None of it is any comfort. I pray and God feels far away.

AHHH!!

When I learned that Zoe was probably not coming home, I had to have my stitches removed at ob's office as well that day. I don't know why, but I expressed my fears at ever having another child with him. He assured me that I would be fine as he would always take me as a patient and he would do so many scans and so many checks that there's no way that I would lose the next one. He also said that I would have to have a cesarean and that I would have to go to the hospital at any sign of rupture or labor.
Well, as a far as the first bit, he lied. I called him today, and his nurse called back and informed me that my high risk ob, wouldn't feel comfortable taking me on as I was such a high risk. Isn't that the point of a HIGH RISK OB??!! And he completely told me what I wanted to hear in his office that day yet when it was time to fulfill a promise, he doesn't want to take the risk. How afraid should I be if my own doctor is too afraid to treat me?
How will this baby get out if I can't have it natural and no doctor will take me?
This is crazy. I am angry/sad/frustrated but mostly very afraid...

This loud silence..

Recently, and not for the first time in my life, perhaps for different reasons, I'm at a loss for words. The world is spinning around my head as always, but I find myself lost in a few situations and more than a few questions.
The anxiety is a bit better. I'm still afraid that something will happen to this baby and I know that it would make me so sad. I'm afraid of surgery and especially of being AWAKE during them. I know women do it every day and that in my case it's necessary but being cut open while awake has always been my biggest fear in both my pregnancies. I wasn't exactly 'there' for my cesarean with Zoe but if the rest of it was much worse than the ten minutes immediately prior, I'm glad that I wasn't. Pregnancy very nearly ended my life almost two years ago. I am afraid for this child, but is it selfish to be afraid for me too?
It does feel better to get that out in writing. I've needed a way to sort of re-connect with this community. I have a love/hate relationship with it really as I'm sure many of you understand. No one wants to be here, but when they need it, they're so grateful it exists. I don't talk much about the baby to anyone unless I just have to have a nap or some other pregnancy fatigued related issue. I feel like I must tip-toe until the baby is here or it'll all go bad. It's very strange that a looming date on a calendar in the future, has the potential of being one of the absolute best or one of the absolute worst days of my life and it's coming whether I like it or not now. Funny, I didn't think I would feel this afraid. I'm trying though, I am. I don't want anxiety to rule my life for the next however many months.
I've got to go now. Kenny has a union meeting tonight and LO is still down the street at a friends, but mostly, it's dreary and windy and cool and very fall-like outside and the melancholy is appealing.

*and Penny, thank you for asking. I am doing ok just staying quiet..
*if you won a blog contest, I haven't forgotten. Please forgive me for taking so long.

Honest Scrap Award

I was about to post this right before we got the news that Jet died. I just couldn't imagine how it was appropriate to post silly things about myself and try to be funny when we were all in such shock. It's hard to believe that Mirne and Craig's third baby dying, would seem to take so much out of me. I can not imagine what they were/are/will be feeling.
Did anyone else sense the hush that has fallen over babyloss blogland?

So here's the finished draft that was started during happier times.


Caitsmom at A Fifth Season, Mirne at Frejya Ione and Kees Henry and Lea at Nicholas' Touch have nominated this blog for The Honest Scrap award.




I have yet to learn how to publish links. I get the little prompt window like everyone else and then I have no idea what to do. I've tried trial and error and it's always an error. It's not that I can't follow directions, I just don't know how...


There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and, secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.


Therefore, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following bloggers and hopefully they will forgive my lack of computer skills. I'm sorry if you've already been nominated:

Jennifer @ He Will Carry Me
Angie @ Still Life With Circles
M @ The Unlucky Lottery
Larns @ Magic Rain
Birne @ All the Little Ponies
Monique @ Samuel Marc
Tina @ Living Without Sophia and Ellie

Now, ten honest and hopefully interesting things about yours truly:

1) I have a strange love/hate relationship to paper. I love it, in that it's versatile, convenient, and I can fill it with some paint and my imagination. I hate that it's so dry. I can not read a paper-backed book without lotion on my hands. I can't stand the roughness of it. It gives me the prickly sensation of nails on a chalkboard. One of the mental considerations I make before deciding on a restaurant has to do with the texture of their napkins. If it's been a bad day or I've been sweating (it's very humid where I live) cloth napkins please!


2)I am a shy adult. I was not a shy child, or a shy teen. I used to love to meet new people, and I would talk to anyone. I still like to meet new people, but I'm not near the extrovert that I was. I am shy. I get awkward and self conscious. It's strange to think that I'm like that now, but it's undeniable. I am painfully shy around doctors, L.O's teachers, K's parents, even members of my own family.


3) When I was 15, I was sent to an overzealous religious girls home for nearly a year. We worked long hours outside in the burning heat, doing 'God's work', kept busy as 'idle hands, were in fact, the devil's workshop', or so they liked to say. We had our food rationed and had limited contact with our family and none with our friends. I was denied medical care on many occasions (I had untreated gastrointeritis for over two months) while they sent reports home and spoke on the phone to my family that I was doing just peachy and growing in the Lord. We watched animals get slaughtered and had to castrate baby piglets. (I became a vegetarian for a time after) We went to churches and sang for money/donations. We went to a one room school and earned credits that were worthless in the real world. It was there that I learned about survival. It was there that I learned about sabotage and manipulation. I dreamt of that place for almost exactly seven years afterward and still have a dream now and then. It took me a long time to trust people again and an even longer time to trust Him.


4) I have at least one aquarium everywhere I have lived since I was 9. I started out with a Betta that my grandmother had given me when she used to own a pet store. I had fish from the lake, fish from the pet store and fish that my dad would bring home from his adventures looking for Indian artifacts or hunting. I've had two octopus' (octopi?) and a cayman crocodile, to name a few of the stranger animals I've had around.


5)I collect Chinese and Japanese tea sets. I adore white oolong and jasmine green tea. If I was smart, I would drink these in lieu of coffee. K likes a cup of hot tea after a long hard day at work.


6) I hide things from myself. For example, I'll walk around with something in my hand, looking for the perfect place to put it, and when I leave it there, that something is now lost. I will never be able to remember where I put it. K will remember that I had lost it, and spot it, or I find it when I clean or rearrange furniture. LO does it too and it drives K nuts.


7) I love the show 'Wife Swap'. It is ridiculous and funny. They mix families that are completely opposite and the results crack me up. My favorite part is the resistance from the family when it's the new mom's turn to do things her way. I also like 'The Nanny'. It makes me feel a bit better about my situation. Is that wrong?
Other than that (add in 'House', of course), I don't watch much television.


8)K's real name is Kenneth, but we call him Kenny. We grew up in the same neighborhood. I actually got sent to stay with my aunt in Washington state, for getting caught at his house when I was 16 and freshly out of that nutty place in entry 3. We didn't see each other again until he saw me buying M&M's at a store by my house after Zoe had died. I found out that he lived around the corner from me and had for the last few years. We started seeing each other and have been together since.


9) My favorite foods are fruits, cheeses and sweets. Cream pies, layer cakes, cookie cakes you name it. I love to bake and it's rare that you won't find a roll of cookie dough in the fridge or a few muffin mixes laying around. I do bake from scratch, but the kitchen must be spotless and I have to really be in the mood. I made a two-layer cake for Zoe's first birthday, and I plan to do it this year as well. It helps me feel as if I'm doing something normal for her, even if we eat it after we go visit her grave.


10) I am a little bit of a germ-a-phobe. I have lived in this house a little over two years and have changed the floors twice. I got Lucy (my border collie for those that don't know) after Zoe died, so lets just say that grief and potty training a dog don't mix well. Now days my dogs are fairly well trained, but nonetheless I was not satisfied with the carpet. It was a deep chocolate and smelled like poo. I had been fretting and loathing the carpet. I mentioned it to Kenny and he went and bought oak flooring and installed it in the living room this weekend. It will be put in the kitchen before long, but until then, I am just thrilled with the living room. I LOVE it. I also love my baby for dealing with my quirks and going along with it because he loves me.


I'll end this post with a picture or two of my baby's handiwork. ;)






Do you see LO's new border collie baby? So cute...

*gulp*

Yesterday, was not a great day.
I'm trying to make today better. Something about early pregnancy always causes lots of anxiety for me, and this time it's almost worse, because I know that terrible things happen, and I am in no way immune. I try not to worry about it, but it's not something I feel like I control. I wake in the middle of the night, sweaty and cold and anxious.
I don't have much to say. I'm forcing myself to get out of the house as I will feel worse if I just sit here.
I am so sad for Mirne and Craig. I am just shocked for them and I can't imagine how their world has fallen apart.

Anyone have any pregnancy friendly tips for relieving anxiety? I can't do this for the next nine months. It can't be good for either one of us, and that makes me anxious about being anxious...sigh...