Sep 13, 2009

This loud silence..

Recently, and not for the first time in my life, perhaps for different reasons, I'm at a loss for words. The world is spinning around my head as always, but I find myself lost in a few situations and more than a few questions.
The anxiety is a bit better. I'm still afraid that something will happen to this baby and I know that it would make me so sad. I'm afraid of surgery and especially of being AWAKE during them. I know women do it every day and that in my case it's necessary but being cut open while awake has always been my biggest fear in both my pregnancies. I wasn't exactly 'there' for my cesarean with Zoe but if the rest of it was much worse than the ten minutes immediately prior, I'm glad that I wasn't. Pregnancy very nearly ended my life almost two years ago. I am afraid for this child, but is it selfish to be afraid for me too?
It does feel better to get that out in writing. I've needed a way to sort of re-connect with this community. I have a love/hate relationship with it really as I'm sure many of you understand. No one wants to be here, but when they need it, they're so grateful it exists. I don't talk much about the baby to anyone unless I just have to have a nap or some other pregnancy fatigued related issue. I feel like I must tip-toe until the baby is here or it'll all go bad. It's very strange that a looming date on a calendar in the future, has the potential of being one of the absolute best or one of the absolute worst days of my life and it's coming whether I like it or not now. Funny, I didn't think I would feel this afraid. I'm trying though, I am. I don't want anxiety to rule my life for the next however many months.
I've got to go now. Kenny has a union meeting tonight and LO is still down the street at a friends, but mostly, it's dreary and windy and cool and very fall-like outside and the melancholy is appealing.

*and Penny, thank you for asking. I am doing ok just staying quiet..
*if you won a blog contest, I haven't forgotten. Please forgive me for taking so long.


Catherine W said...

I'm glad you are alright Lindsay. I was just thinking about you this morning (in that bizarre way that people I have only ever 'met' on the internet are often in my thoughts!) and wondering how you were doing.

Oh gosh, I think it is completely understandable that you feel afraid. I'm hoping that it is going to end in one of the most absolutely bestest days of your life my dear. I really hope so. Trying to think of a way to feel less nervous and stressed but can't come up with anything helpful. xo

Jennifer Ross said...

I understand and agree with all that you wrote. We are all here for you, and each other.


Carly Marie said...


I hear you on everything you just wrote :)

I am always scared of something happening to me. One of my biggest fears is not death its self but dying and leaving my girls behind.

My love and peace to you my friend.

And coming from someone who was terrified of having a c-section - I was fully alert and awake, and it really was not that bad at all :)

love love love x

Penny said...

Glad you're feeling okay. Wish I could say something to ease your mind, but I've never been in your shoes. Like you said, try not to let the anxiety rule you. Hope it eases soon and you can enjoy your pregnancy.