Sep 23, 2009

alone then

Yesterday, when I wrote that last post, I was angry, hurt and felt all alone. This morning I feel very similar. Add nausea and anxiety and you got it.
I have felt VERY unsupported, and really, honestly I am. Kenny and I are having issues. That's rather strange as now he's started a new movie and I don't see him much. He seems angry and distant and needs to blame someone. He came home early and showered yesterday and then left, to play pool. I was asleep after he got home. I forced myself to ignore the searing anxiety in my diaphragm and willed myself to sleep. I'm sad that he chooses to lash out on the one carrying his child and taking care of a seven year old, three dogs, cats and a home and him as best that I can.
Yesterday I thought that I had developed a 'fool-proof' way of encouraging him to be supportive. I tried it this morning. He slammed the door on his way out. My stomach has jumped up to join my heart in my chest.
I am looking at another lonely day, not feeling supported yet needed and expected.
I am running out of steam. I am trying to take care of me, but at the moment that feels impossible. I want to disappear.
I failed Zoe, by letting the stress overcome me. This feels like a recurring nightmare. If you know me (even if you don't) and you think perhaps I'm driving him can't drive someone who is already running, away from you.

Before Kenny slammed the door and left, he told me he was packing his things when he gets home. I only asked him to help support me, to make time to talk to me about things. I told him I was lonely and he told me he was leaving.


Snarky Belle said...

I am so sorry Lindsay. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you sweetheart.

Snarky Belle said...
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Lea said...

Oh Linds,

I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry you are going through this shit. It's the absolute last thing you need.

You have been through so much... much more than a lot can even imagine. You ARE strong... whether you believe it or not. There aren't many of us who can survive the nightmare of losing a child.

Stay strong, girl. We love you and are pulling for you.


margaret said...

Lindsay honey, I am so sorry you're feeling so alone and stressed about things right now. Have faith that things will work out as they should sweetheart. K is probably dealing with his own fears and worries about this pregnancy and as most men do, gets angry instead of being in touch with how he's really feeling. If you want to email me your number, I'll call you and we can chat about things. Love you Linds, sending you huge hugs

Jennifer Ross said...

I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this. I'm still praying...

Mary said...

And with everything else that has happened, I am so sorry you are going thru this now. I wish that we were close so that you wouldn't feel so alone. E-mail me. I will always return a message.

Catherine W said...

Oh Lindsay, I'm so terribly sorry. I suspect that Margaret might be right, perhaps he is just frightened and worried? And this has turned into anger?
It just isn't fair, when you have so much to cope with already. Hugs and prayers to you xo

Lynda said...


I'm so deeply sorry. I dont understand why men act like children at the most inopportune times?? Big Hugs for you my friend. You have so much to deal with...and he is just adding more. I will pray for you Lindsey, but just remember you don't deserve to be treated in such a way!