Sep 19, 2009

OB Oh Sh*t!

I got the call yesterday. The call from the o.b. that dumped me. He barely let me speak, and then we were disconnected and when I called back, he had already left for a delivery.
Basically, he seems to almost be sure that I will rupture again. He kept quoting the 33% risk as if it's not in my mind already. I did a bit of online research and EVERYTHING I read said the risk was more like 10-17%. He said that I had a risk of getting to the hospital closest me and he warned that if I had an emergency after 5pm that I would likely have to wait for an o.b. to arrive and because in my case time is of the essence, I could lay there and die waiting for a doctor. He said I should go to a trauma hospital that is about thirty minutes or more from where I live.
I understand telling me to be careful, and instructing me to go to the place with the best care for me is nice and all, but he continually reminded me how rare my situation was and how most babies don't die from a placental rupture. I KNOW THAT!
He went on and on about when I rupture this time. When? How is he so sure?
I asked him why he said it was ok to try again then in the first place. He told me that he doesn't decide who should or should not have babies. Does that seem like a very cliche' answer to you?
I found a doctor a city over. I looked at his patient ratings on-line. I found this:
I chose Dr.XXXX after I had a hard time being able to see my original doctor. What a bad decision. I was always somewhat uncomfortable with his behavior and questions. I was a young, single parent and I think he had little respect for me. I was full term when I was admitted to the hospital for high blood. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days and Dr.XXXX felt I was okay for me to be released. All the nurses couldn't understand why he was taking such a risk. Well, the next day Friday, April X, I was rushed to the hospital and an emergency C-section was performed. That day XXXX was born and became an angel in heaven. I would suggest that everyone do a check on your doctor's, make sure they are able to handle emergency C-sections, make sure the hospital is equipped to handle distressed situations.

Everything about this is a risk now. IF I rupture, I can't get across the river in less than forty-five minutes and that's if there's no traffic. If I go to the closest hospital, there's the chance there will be no one there to help. If I go to the trauma hospital, we'll have to pray that I get there in time, and they take me seriously, as people have died in their emergency waiting room. I didn't realize how HORRIBLE health care is in this city until now. Until my child's life depends again on a rule or a policy or availability of medical professionals. Why wouldn't EVERY hospital with an emergency department not keep an anesthesiologist and a ob on call at all times?!
I had a fitiful sleep last night. Reliving the trauma that was Zoe's birth, fear for the same outcome.I lay in bed awake after, praying for daylight to break the dread in my mind. I keep repeating in my mind, I can't rupture. I won't rupture. This baby will be fine if I make it to my scheduled cesarean. I can't rupture. I won't rupture.
I am scared. I am anxious. I'm tired of trudging through everyday. I've begun to needle felt again. I've started to get projects finished for my last three contest winners. None of it is any comfort. I pray and God feels far away.


Tina said...

Oh Lindsay I am so sorry you are having to live with this worry. I hopr you can find some peace. Thinking of you. xx

angie said...

Oh, Linds, this is just so terrible. I wish you could come live here where two Level I trauma centers are within ten minutes. Wishing I could take all this away. XO

Jennifer Ross said...

God hears you. I believe that faith is the hardest thing to have in life. When you really think about what faith is, you are having to believe against what the "world" is telling you. You have to seek the Lord with all of your heart, mind and soul. You will find Him.... I promise.


Lea said...

Lindsay - the last thing you need is all this worry and that dumb ass doctor doesn't seem to be helping any.
Try to take it easy (easier said, than done, I know).... praying for everything to be smooth sailing.


bir said...

That doctors attitude is not good for you Linds! I'm angry at him for the conversation you had with him. What does he expect you to do? He gave you the go ahead to ttc so where is the support now?

But can I just say... you have 67% chance that it WON'T happen again! Please remember that it's so much more likely that it won't rather than listening to that silly doctors attitude!


Anonymous said...

I've never been in your spot I don't fully understand all you are going through. Just know you and your babe are in my prayers and God is bigger than any doc out there. He'll carry you through this! Much love, Mel x

Lynda said...

(((Lindsay))) I swear doctors have NO bedside manner. Who does this man think he is?? GOD?? NO ONE, not you, not I, and especially not these doctors, know what the future holds. I continue to pray for you and your little bean. BIG HUGS

Mary said...

I have heard some of the craziest things about doctor's bedside manner and I just can't believe it. They are here to help people not play God and decide who they will help and who they won't.

I am so sorry that this is going on. I hope that everything gets better.