Sep 28, 2009

Guilt

Kenny says that I'm a glass-half-empty girl. That makes me sad. I just understand now, more than ever that we are not promised that things will be just fine.
Today is the day, two years ago, where I feel that I could have stopped what happened. I let myself get upset and anxious. I was told that I looked pale and out of it, and took that as a manipulation, not a warning. The next morning, I was roused from my sleep from a dull yet increasing pain. Did I go to the emergency room right then, a measure that had the ability to save my daughter's mind and in turn her body? No, I didn't. When I went it was too late, almost for us both. She didn't die then, but that's when she stopped becoming a person to that doctor.
She was always a person to me.

I haven't abandoned trying to have a positive attitude. I'm only sad that it's almost my daughter's second birthday and her birth wasn't met with much joy. There will be no party and cake for her tomorrow, only me and this empty house.

8 comments:

Jennifer Ross said...

We are all here to remember her with you. We love you.

Catherine W said...

Remembering your sweet Zoe Beth with you.

I wish I could take your guilt away. You couldn't possibly have known. xo

angie said...

You know, Lindsay, we make the best decisions we can with the information we have...you had no way of knowing what was happening was happening. We are all taught to be strong, realistic, not be worst case scenario thinkers, until it is the worst case scenario, then we are chastised for not being vulnerable. I think forgiving ourselves for our humanness is sometimes the hardest lesson in this life. Remembering Zoe with you.

Lea said...

Linds - Angie has said it best. The "what if's" and hindsight are what can drive us totally crazy. You are the best mommy you can be (which is fabulous, btw) and Zoe-Beth knows it.

Nicholas' candle will be lit for your family tonight and tomorrow...

I have re-posted Zoe-Beth's Angel Wings in her honour.

http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/2009/09/zoe.html

Love and strength to you, beautiful.

xo

caitsmom said...

I will remember your sweet Zoe tomorrow. I am so sorry. I'm hoping that the day is gentle for you. Peace.

margaret said...

Oh Linds, you didn't know, you couldn't have known. Don't beat yourself up honey. As for being a glass half empty girl, I am too. I tend to look at the worst case scenario everytime. I don't think it's something that we try to do, but actually a part of our anxiety disorder. Positive thinking and good intentions aside, you can't help the way you feel or the way you were made. I'm so sorry honey that it's Zoe's angel day tomorrow. If I had your address I would have sent you a card. Could you please email me Lindsay? Hugging you all the way from Canada...

bir said...

Thinking of you today and thinking of Zoe, playing with my birthday boy, Linds.
Celebrate it Lindsay, she touched your life and your heart, and none of it was your fault (Oh I know of the blame too). It's just not fair. But she would want her mummy to remember, and be happy that you met.

xxx

Mary said...

If you had known, you would have moved mountains. But, I should take my own advice.